Week Two Results: A Gnome, a Warforged, and a Shifter…

Posted by Keith Baker in UncategorizedJul 18th, 2010 | no responses

This week proved to be even harder to judge than the first; there were a multitude of excellent answers, ranging from short and glib to convoluted and clever. Some people presented parodies of movie scenes or classic jokes; others turned it into adventure scenarios. After long deliberations, the HDWT panel finally selected the following answer, from Andy Klosky (http://platinumwarlock.blogspot.com):

“A Zil Gnome, a Warforged, and a Shifter walk into a bar…”

The gnome walks up to the bartender, orders a drink, and tells the bartender, “It seems that someone’s filed my books out of order.”  The bartender looks at him, nods knowingly, and hands the gnome a black scrollcase, saying “Then perhaps an index might help you find what you need.”  The gnome finishes his drink and walks out of the bar.

The warforged walks up to the bartender, orders a drink, and tells the bartender, “It looks like the mithril blades need sharpened again.”  The bartender smiles, nods knowingly, and reaches below the bar.  He pulls out a massive two-handed hammer, hands it to the warforged, and says “Who needs a blade, when you’ve got a hammer?”  The warforged smiles—as much as a warforged smiles anyway—and walks out of the bar.

The shifter sees all of this, and is utterly baffled.  But, he wants in on the conspiracy, too.  So, the shifter walks up, orders a drink, and tells the bartender, “So…you got anything for parasites?”  The bartender smiles, nods knowingly, and reaches under the bar once more.  In one swift motion, he draws an axe-handle and smashes the shifter across the face with it.  The shifter yowls in pain and falls to the floor of the bar.

The shifter picks himself up off of the floor and scrambles for the door, screaming “What was that for?!  You gave all the others something!”

The bartender smiles again, “There’s nothing that gets rid of parasites like a good bug-whompin’ stick!”

Congratulations, Andy! I’ll see you at GenCon.

Looking to the runner-ups, a few people played off the “What is this, some kind of joke?” theme; our favorite variation of this came from Herb Helzer:

The halfling proprietor, Mark of Hospitality emblazoned across half his face, sees the trio, smiles broadly and gestures for them to pass through a darkened archway to “The Great Egress.”

They do so, and are back on the street again. Looking around in confusion, the Gnome sees a sign:

“House Ghallanda reserves the right to refuse service to anyone intending to use its facilities as the setup for a joke.”

Another joke came in two flavors, with Jim Auwaerter providing the Fourth Edition version…

The gnome hits his head and disappears.
The shifter smacks his shin and begins to curse loudly.
The warforged looks down at the torn wreckage that was once a bar and gives a hollow sigh.

… and Craig giving a Third Edition Answer:

The gnome hits his head, the others trip.  You would think one would have made the notice check. They all take 1d4-1 damage and the gnome makes a fortitude save (DC20) to prevent the concussion.

An example of the adventure theme comes from DJ Adamski –

They take a seat off in the corner.  A barmaid hurries over and asks them what they want to drink.  She takes the order and hurries away.  The three are eyeing the doors and windows warily.  The barmaid returns with their drinks.  Suddenly the shifter pounces the barmaid to the floor.  Before she can even let out a scream the warforged has upturned the table and it now has 10 crossbow bolts sticking out of it.  The crowd turns and sees a group of people wearing the tell-tale helmets of the Emerald Claw.  Without a moments hesitation the warforged flings the table like a frisbee at the group.  The Claws get out of the way except for the one mook in the back who didn’t see it coming.  He flies out the door and over the railing of the street.  He runs out of breath before he hits the ground.  Such is Sharn.  The shifter is running at a group of three Claws.  He changes into a panther and leaps and mauls the three Emerald Knights.  The onlookers can only stare in horror as they are splattered in blood.  One of the knights gets by the warforged and takes a shot at the gnome.  The bolt pierces his chest and he falls over dead.  The knight smiles at the kill.  Only two left.  The walls fall away and soon the floor is covered in blood.  The knight only sees undead coming at him in all directions but one.  Terrified he runs that direction.  He never saw the window he ran through.  He also didn’t hit the ground until after he finished screaming.  The gnome laughs as he sips his ale at the other end of the bar.  Illusions are always so much fun.  The warforged grabs the last Emerald Claw and pulls him close.  The warforged whispers something in his ear then throws him into the street.  The warforged sits at a new table and is joined by the gnome and a blood soaked shifter.  The gnome asks the warforged, “What did you tell him?”  to which the warforged responds, “You get a one minute head start.”  The shifter’s eyes go wide.  He smiles and whispers, “Times up.” and runs out the door and gives chase.  The gnome sighs, “Another typical day in Sharn.”

And David takes this theme with a slightly different approach…

The bartender yells  ”Hey we don’t serve their kind!.” The shifter responds “What?” The bartender responds ” Your Warforged will have to wait outside.”  Not wanting a fight the Warforged walks out. The Gnome then says “We should be able to find a pilot here.” The shifter sits down at a table while the Gnome moves to the Bar. The Gnome discusses terms with a Lyrandar Half-Elf. A Kobold bounty hunter sits across from the shifter, pointing a wand at him. ” The Daughters want their money.” The Kobold drops to the table, smoking. As the Shifter moves away he pockets the Dragon Shard wand he had under the table and collects the Gnome, the pilot and flips a coin to the bartender. “Sorry for the mess.”

Thanks to everyone who responded – I hope you’ll try again in the next round!



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