Question of the Week 05/29/03:

5/29/03:  This week's question!

The rescue of Private Jessica Lynch was one of the most touching and dramatic events of the recent war. Now some people are claiming that the rescue was an overblown action intended to play to the media. Regardless of your feelings on the matter, we want to know:

WHAT WILL BE THE NEXT DRAMATIC MILITARY OPERATION?

There's only one thing for the Joint Chiefs to do after an unqualified success like Iraqi Freedom...  Rap about it, a'la The Chicago Bears' "Superbowl Shuffle"!  "I'm Richard Meyers, but they call me Dick.  Either way, Saddam's butt I kicked.  Don't get me confused with Tommy Franks - he's the Peter Scolari to my Tom Hanks."

It sounds like SOMEONE is going to have to help Private Lynch rescue the rights to her life from NBC.

According to my source Navy SEALS have already seized control of the main Hershey factory, in a bold and heroic effort to prevent them from putting your chocolate in my peanut butter.

The army is forming an elite MP unit comprised of Private Lynch and Elizabeth Smart. Their first job? Solving the murder of JonBenet Ramsey. Their exploits will be televised as "Law & Order BVU: Blonde Victims Unit". 

Well, after seeing them paint the Windows logo on their helmets, I'm sure I'm not going to like it.

From what I hear, the last one was less of a well-oiled precision operation and more of a Lynch mob.

Operation: Resurrection. In which many scientists work together to clone Oolong the bunny in order to awe the rest of the world with her pancake balancing powers.

A crack special forces unit is already en route to the local theater to prevent anyone else from seeing "Bruce Almighty".

You want dramatic?  Just wait until you see Operation: Very Special Episode of Moesha!

First, they rescued Pvt. Lynch.  Now, right before your eyes, they're gonna saw her in half!

Fresh from the search for weapons of mass destruction, the Special Forces will now be dispatched to the Hostess factory to determine how they get the creamy filling inside of the Twinkies.

Whatever it is, please, God, let them name it something better than "Iraqi Freedom."  Operational names need more mystique, more poesy.  I suggest "Operation: Unhinged Placenta" or perhaps "Operation: Widening Gyre".

As I understand it, plans are already in motion to seize control of another savage and uncivilized nation with large oil deposits. That's right - this time, we're going after Texas.

Retrieval of the Kirwood Derby from the control of enemy forces in Moosylvania

Find out next week, on Fox's "America's Funniest Military Operations"!

Even as you read this, a delta force strike team is being prepped to save Missy Elliot from that mean guy who does the Vanilla Coke ads. 

Invasion of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick will be a warm-up to the invasion of Munchkinland.

Next week on General's Hospital, Donny Rumsfeld is in the hospital with prostate cancer.  After the operation he'll be sterile.  But Laura Bush wants his love child.  Can she sneak past security to see her Lancelot?

I understand that a crack team from the Army corps of Engineers will be transforming each and every one of Saddam's old palaces into Starbucks.

Dramatic? Well, I guess that would be "Saving Private Lynch: The Musical."

They'll be onstage in slightly older battle gear for the upcoming LotR musical. 

U.S. troops will invade Iran... in heels.

The scavenger hunt-- I need two nuclear weapons, a biological weapons factory, and three 'deck of cards' Iraqi officials and then I've won!

The valiant liberation of Don King's hair from the head and hands of a tyrannical madman.

Putting a Hispanic character on Friends.

Nuking Delaware

Lancelot disrupts the wedding.

I'm not sure about the next military operation, but on the political side I hear that the next season of "Mr. Personality" is going to be used to determine the democratic presidential candidate…

The Pentagon is even now planning an audacious tactical maneuver to liberate tons of sand from the undergarments of every serviceperson in Iraq.  It'll be called Operation: Desert Shorts.

Gulf War: The MUSICAL!

Operation: Yellow Wallpaper, where the MEDIA get to fight the war and the military sits back and criticizes them.

Since the first mission went so well, I hear that the military is planning a daring operation to rescue David Lynch.

Military operations?  Meatball surgery in M*A*S*H units will be upgraded to veal.

Rescue of all the Democratic presidential candidates who are being held hostage in Limbo

Humvee drivers conduct nationwide seek-and-destroy mission to eliminate the bastard H2 breed.  

The US unveils the newest weapon: Even BIGGER chunks of concrete!

They will invade Mr. Body's arm to remove his funny bone, but only because they want to see if there is any oil near that elbow grease they had heard of but never experienced personally.

Dick Cheney removed from an undisclosed location somewhere in George W's lower digestive tract, after the Pentagon decides that there isn't room for both him and the President's head.

Probably the invasion of another country that has no actual military power. Perhaps somewhere with lots of sun & sand. And oil, can't forget the oil. There are lots of middle eastern countries left. But we're forgetting Mexico, which is right next door! Perhaps a cruise to Alaska instead..., or a wine-tasting trip through the vineyards of France... er, what was the question again?

*And finally, an editorial observation from a current member of the US military…*

There is no question that Pvt. Lynch went through and survived a horrific experience. But… As a member of the 507th Maintenance Company, she had three primary duties: To be able to use and maintain a weapon, to know how to repair a vehicle, and to be able to use a map. Her unit was captured because they got lost, their vehicles broke down, and their guns jammed. Tragic victim, unquestionably, but hero? Is United Airlines a heroic company for having gone bankrupt and been bailed out by the government?
 

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