BAKER'S DOZEN--6/12/05

WHAT ELSE IS IN THE DOWNING STREET MEMO?

Actually, it's a draft of JK Rowling's next book, "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib."

An outline of a new fantasy world. Apparently it's some sort of "dinosaurs and lightning trains" nonsense.

It's a list of cute names for what to call Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. The memo clearly shows that "TomKat's" engagement was a forgone conclusion, even back then.

It's a disturbing tale of a government that has lost its way in the wilds… "The Tony Blair Witch Project."

Circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each page, to be used as evidence against Bush.

It's a COOKBOOK!

Considering how many Bothan spies died to get it to us, I just hope there's SOMETHING useful.

It turns out that the UK, Canada, Australia, and many other countries are actually under the control of a single, wealthy family.  They operate covertly under the codename "The British Royals."  It is broadly assumed that the codename is a take on the St. Louis baseball team.

Five lucky copies of the memo contain golden tickets to gain entry into the Wonka Factory!

The answers to the upcoming Hogwart's GED exam.

Instructions to serve our alien masters. But you can only see these if you're wearing the special glasses.

Apparently, we didn't invade Iraq after all. This whole season was just a dream.

Early strategic discussions included a plan to parachute an undead Margaret Thatcher into Saddam's palace, thus ending the war at a stroke. The plan was ultimately dropped, after ministers were unable to resolve some ambiguities in the Geneva Convention regarding whether or not this would be a war crime.

The President asked the Prime Minister to send James Bond in, and had to be told that he was a fictional character. James Bond, that is. Not the President. Insert your own political joke or comment here.

The chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure...

Confirmation that Saddam declined to settle the matter by fighting a cage match with the Rock. He wasn't opposed to the basic idea, but found the Rock's name too close to "Iraq" to make marketing sense.

"The owls are not what they seem." written over and over and over again on page 47.

Tony Blair's top three choices for the next 'Doctor Who'.

The stunning revelation that Rudyard Kipling's tales of the North-West Frontier could no longer be considered reliable current intelligence on Afghanistan. Good lord! You mean some of the blighters have electricity and indoor plumbing these days? Incredible!

A recipe for... DISASTER!

Precious bodily fluids

Can you see the fnords?

Apparently, Dick Cheney knew all about Paula Abdul's little peccadilloes. 

It's not a memo, it's a plan for global domination and the rise of our all-powerful double-plus-good Orwellian superstate. Do you really NEED anything else?

Our war / it is so sweet / Exploding buildings / Downing Street / Makin'
rhymes / One phat beat

Who is Number 1.

Stuart Smalley's Daily Affirmation

Blair's doodle of Camilla Parker-Bowles... naked

An amazing recipe for egg salad.

The following sequence of numbers are to be found throughout the memo: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.  (The numbers are bad!)

They'll never think to look for the letters of transit there.

Bombing coordinates which target Hooterville.

A secret map written in invisible ink by Illuminati agents describing the location of an ancient Templar treasure.

Beats me. Tell me when the CliffNotes come out. 

The proper spellings of nuclear and aluminum.

C3P0? Gay as a tangerine.

The Downing Street Memo contains the unedited information from the Warren Commission Report.

They wanted to send the England soccer team and all their supporters over for a World Cup qualifying match against Iraq in Baghdad, which would have saved a lot of money and wrought comparable destruction. But the French delegation on the board of FIFA vetoed it. Damn French.

Each copy contains a License To Kill, which is easily detachable and suitable for framing.

Mike Moniz, Downing Street on line one. Mike Moniz, line one.

More fight scenes, and more dark elves.

I detect the incriminating hoofprints of one Bossy the Cow...

18 words are inexplicably missing from the middle of a paragraph.

A custom tailored genetically engineered humanoid replicant designed especially for your needs.

One .45 caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days concentrated emergency raisons; one drug issue containing: antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair a nylon stockings. Shoot, a fellah could have a pretty good weekend in Dallas with all that stuff...

Well it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff Easy-to-follow assembly instructions. Batteries not included.

Oh my God, it's full of stars!

Oh my stars, it's full of dogs!

A little priest, and we've got shepherd's pie peppered with actual shepherd on top.

Real girl scouts.

Pictures of Lili.

The long-sought translation of the Beale Cypher (So look it up lazybones!)

Spoilers for Star Wars 7, 8, and 9.

"THIS IS NOT THE QURAN!  DO NOT FLUSH!" stamped on the frontispiece.

The complete translation for that Canamid masterpiece, "To Serve Man"

Lots of stuff we already know, but before treating it too casually, remember how many Bothans died to get that information.

The lyrics to "The Impossible Dream"

A dedication to Mimsy.

Splashes of Michael Jackson's DNA on the foldout, from when he was babysitting Tony and Cherie's kids.....

The Nudge Nudge Sketch but with Eric Idle's name replaced by that of Tony Blair and George W. Bush's name substituting for Terry Jones'.

The runes.

Access codes for the Bat-signal

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

The words "DON'T PANIC!" in big friendly letters embossed on the cover

Sienna Miller's phone number

That Dick Cheney is a cyborg bounty hunter trying to recover WMD for the
Emporer. (Decided to combine this weeks question with last months Star Wars
question.)

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