BAKER'S DOZEN--5/26/05

WHAT STAR WARS TV SERIES DO YOU WANT TO SEE?

OB1: Music Videos - by Jedi, for Jedi. Tonight, catch the debut of M.C. Yoda's "Touch This, You Cannot".

Siths and the City - a new comedy that acknowledges the modern urbanite's relationship with their own Dark Side.

The History Channel is proud to present "Alderaan: The History of the Gun." What? Really? None at all? Well, crap.

Alians - Agent Sidney Bristow impersonates beings of all species as she fights for the rebellion in tight spandex. Or is she fighting for the empire? Well, she's hot and she's fighting. That's really all that matters.

The Amazing Race Episode XII: Tatooine!
"In this roadblock, contestants have a choice of two obstacles. Will they try to eat an entire womp rat, or get ten thousand gallons of water out of this traditional vaporator?"

C3SI - Droid Crime Scene Investigation.

aldERaan - "I need 200 cc's of midichlorians, STAT!"

Married… with Clones!
Join Jango Fett (of course he's not dead - that was a CLONE, dummy!) and his wife Peggo Fett as these dysfunctional parents try to raise a family of 10,000,000,000!

The Apprentice - Darth Sidious gathers twelve young hopefuls to take the place of Count Dooku. He divides them into "Jedi Smarts" and "Bounty Hunter Smarts." They participate in various challenges, like killing everyone in the Jedi temple with a limited staff, building a death star with a budget, etc. The catchphrase "You're fried" is followed by blue lightning.

Desperate Padawans - Gabrielle is secretly following the teachings of another master, Lynette's younglings are driving her to the Dark Side, and Bree is obsessed with traditional lightsaber techniques. It's just another day at Wisteria Temple…

The X-Wing Files
"I'm convinced that there's aliens out there, Sculli-Wan."
"Uh… Right, Muld-R."

Really Cold Case - Set after Episode VI, Republic Investigator Rush returns to Hoth to try to determine how each rebel soldier was killed.

It's a Wonderful Life. No, Wait, It's a Life Where Your Mother Gets Raped To Death and You Fall Into a Pit Of Burning Lava.

Project: Runway - The Amidala Edition
I mean, do you remember those outfits from Episode I?

"Mon Mothma - After Dark"

CSI: Death Star - "What an incredible smell you've discovered!"

"Maxx Rebo Unplugged"

The Moisture Farmers' Almanac - with your host Owen Lars

Womp-Rat Love

VH1: Behind the Force.
Every week, we see another touching story about a jedi who rises from unknown padawan to renowned master, falls to the Dark Side, but eventually makes it back just in time to come out with a new album!

"Jabba and Jabberjaw"

The West X-Wing
Set between Episodes II and III, we follow the gripping story of Grand Chancellor Palpatine's term in office and his struggles with a difficult senate.

Obi-Watch!
A hunky Jedi master and a bevy of bikini-clad babes patrol the sands of Tatooine!

The Emperor Knows Best - Young Palpatine is a bashful suitor escorting an aggressive girl , while her stern father Mace Windu disapproves of the romance. Hijinx ensue.

Star Wars: Enterprise
Forget about going back a paltry hundred years! This series takes a look at the distant past of the Star Trek universe - a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, as a matter of fact.

Cheer Up Emo Kid: a mini-series based on the uber-whiny Anakin Skywalker and the attempts by various badass jedi (Yoda, Mace Windu, Obi-Wan, etc) to make him stop being quite so stupidly whiny.

..."I'd like Well-Planned Sneak Attacks for $200, Alex." "It's a TRAP!"

I want to see a Friar's Club type roast for Jabba the Hut. And I want C-3PO to tell the "Aristocrats" joke.

Kashyyk Wookie Idol

I dunno, but it would have to star those beguiling and steamy top ten American Idols. Coming to an auditorium near you!

Battlebots!
After all, who HASN'T wanted to see C3PO and R2-D2 in a steel cage match?

Alderaan's Top Model

Sith Park
Because who doesn't want to see Darth Cartman?

Drive Fast, Turn Left… IN SPACE!

Law & Order: Special Vader Unit

UGNAUGHTS… IN… SPACE!

Two Droids, a Clone, and a Cantina

Attack of the Consistency Editors

Star Wars/Red Shoe Diaries crossover. Lucas really touches a special place in the hearts of America with his love stories. And imagine David Duchovny as a jedi!

CSI: Coruscant

Survivor: Kashyyk

C3PO in the Empire's newest hit revue - "Faggoty Antics!"

Imperial Death Match: Giant Frilled Lizard VS. Donut of Bladed Death - The Series

Darth Vader's Monster Mash - Dick Clark never looked more like humpty-dumpty than he does under that dark helmet.

Survivor: Hoth

Jedi Retirement Village - this way you can use the original trilogy actors (maybe a little make-up to make them look younger) except for Harrison Ford, just use a cardboard cutout and some of that sweet CGI magic to animate the mouth!

Everyone Loves Jerjerrod.

The Simple Life: Tatooine.

I'd like to see a movie of all those planets before they got mixed up in extraterrestrial (or
extra-whatever-planet-they're-from-ial) politics. Then like, this one hour show could show each planet's downfall as they get mixed up with the jedi, or the sith, or whoever, and then at the end of the show, it could be like blown up for our entertainment. Too much
like reality TV for youse guys? Gees you kids are jaded!

Troops!
Stormtroopers police the galaxy to rid it of Rebel Scum in a COPS style show.
Can you say ratings?

"Hoth Capades - Featuring Ewoks On Ice"

"Everybody Loves Boba Fett"

Actually this is serious.
I would kill/maim quite a few people to see a Star Wars version of Black Sheep squadron. I've toyed with the idea of an rpg campaign for years and never had the chance to run it. I think it's a perfect match.

Empire!
After the death of Julius Caesar, a young boy must… what? Star Wars? Uh, never mind.
 

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