WHAT'S THE BIGGEST
SURPRISE IN D&D FOURTH EDITION?
Don't you
mean "KEITH BAKER'S D&D 4th Edition"?
All the
product placement. "Haste" spell changed to "Do the Dew™".
Now 80%
Dungeons, 20% Dragons
Chinese gold
farmers can get you to 20th level in 6 days!
Iron rations
are made out of PEOPLE!
Revolutionary
new THAC1 system! (It's one higher, isn't it?)
Traditional
elves replaced by Keebler elves. Drizzt now a renegade fudge
elf who wields twin graham crackers.
Twenty-part
adventure path requires heroes to "Save the Cheerleader…
save the Realms."
New version
actually DOES drive kids to Satan.
New system
actually based on popular "Dumb & Dumber" franchise.
How many
licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a
Tootsie Pop? 1d8+2. And a crunch.
Combat system
abandons primitive dice in favor of cool "Wii"-mote.
Iconic
characters from PHB replaced by the PCs from Order of the
Stick
NO, not Black
Leaf! No, NO!
It has an
INDEX!
In a
disturbing statement on modern morals, "Tomb of Horrors"
re-released as "Tomb of Whores".
It's Scott
Adam's "Dungeons & Dogbert"
Templates
replaced with "creature pimp'in kits"
Common
replaced by 1337Sp4|<; Diplomacy now called "Plz".
Microsoft
will put out a new Windows version so D&D doesn't get all
the press.
Young gamers
revolt against the new Edition that their gamer geek parents
are exposing them to, calling them Satanic and cultlike in
vast media blitz online. The new game has no electronic
parts, requires faith in a 'dungeonmaster', and belief in
his 'special powers', and worst of all, requires a knowledge
of math and language skills instead of just being able to
look at a video screen.
Now with more
Gygax!
You can find
the DC for Jumping the Shark. It's suprisingly
reachable...like, at level 1.
Harry Potter
dies at the end!
I knew sex
rules would finally make it in! "If there are any chicks
there, I wanna do them!"
The letters
stand for "Dirty" and "Dancing".
The recipe
for Red Velvet Cake… and the $250 price tag.
The hidden
planar anomaly known only in dread whispers as "the Cow
Level".
Now only two
classes – pirate and ninja. Monkey and robot to be added in
4.5.
All the
advertisements for Fifth Edition.
Bowing to the
will of the masses, WotC changes the game to "Dungeons &
Drizzt".
More robots.
More trains.
"Undead"
replaced with more politically correct term "Mortality
Challenged"
An entire
section of the MM on cows?!
Pornomancers
Starring
Academy Award winner Tom Hanks and featuring three times
more Wayanses!
Keep on the
Borderlands revamped for those level 60 characters you've
been playing since 1977.
Save the
Dragon. You already save the world via the Dungeon 10 part
Path adventures.
That can of
nuts actually contains a spring-loaded snake! YIKES!
Rules printed
on whiteboard-paper—so work can start immediately on 5th
Edition.
The
mystical initials of 'FoE of DaD' will cause an uprising of
gameplayer geeks against their parents and other superiors
the world over. Satan will be appeased.
Lame "elves"
and "halflings" replaced by k3wl "warforged".
Drow Porn
It turns out
that Babylon Five is our last, best hope for victory.
The Computer
is your friend!
Thanks to
conservative censors, it's a 320 page book with every word
blacked out.
Velcro!
D&D shifted
to more adult oriented "Dungeons & Dominatrixes".
No index
There is NO
brain-eating in 4th Edition… Mind flayers
heartbroken.
They'll go to an entirely point-build method of character
creation, eschewing the whole crazy level adjustment thing,
or creating a system where X points of abilities equates to
a LA of 1, et cetera. Total race and class customization.
What, you mean like the Players Option series? Nah, they'd
never rehash an old idea...
They're
jumping from 4th to 4.876- which of course, is suprising
for 3 reasons- a) there's no .5; b) they're not rounding
those gd decimals; and c) they have no nads to just upgrade
it to D&D 5th edition.
An
explanation of Knowledge (Local) that makes sense
The
surprisingly efffective "save vs. player stupidity" mechanic
Munchkin and
Richly Developed Character officially recognized as
alignments
And
finally…
The game
system will no longer punish in-game heroics, but rather
will reward (or at least no longer penalize) attempts to
emulate the literature and movies that inspired the game in
the first place.
That would be
the pleasant surprise.
The
unpleasant surprise: switching from d20 – or d-anything –
to collectible trading cards.
